Insecurity is the bitch, NOT the Woman

I think I’ve had this conversation burning within me forever. It’s a sensitive subject with a lot of self- preserving and defensive rhetoric surrounding it. It’s with compassion and honesty I share this as I’m all too familiar with having walked through a fair share of it into young adult years. Society, however, seems to be resigning more and more to it making exceptions instead of confronting it at it’s core. The confident feminine fire needs to be set ablaze again.

Track with me….

Fear and insecurity sucks. It destroys so many areas in life. Careers, families, partnerships and friendships. Insecurity amounts to two things: An image erected from the mind duplicated from what’s been taught by example and/or the world around them. Never being shown or taught how to summon strength, significance, relevance, confidence and a sense of purpose and values from one’s own heart. As a result, insecurities have been bread among the missing pieces and gaps showing up in many ways culturally.

The driving healthy desire behind insecurity is wanting to be seen, heard, included and considered relevant. PERFECTLY normal desire as that is precisely what you were born to be but where fear is entangled, it can get ugly. The ‘fugly’ kinda ugly. Each woman is a gift to the world. We hear this around as a pleasantry but it’s not been a standard conscious belief. The first thing you ever did for the world was GIVE. Give your sweet little squeezable snuggling lovable self. Most people are not consistently raised with this mentality, however. They’re eventually taught how and what to DO hence the main purpose lost. To BE love and BE loved, mutually exchanging this gift. So, the dynamic got mixed up, doing became the ‘norm’, fear to perform this doing takes precedence while the HEART knows truth and the war between the two commence.

Raised an only child with no extended family and a sensitive heart, I had to find and feel my way of being in this world. That way meant living from my heart refusing to conform to whatever it was society wanted or expected. I’ve walked away from a lot of jobs, connections and situations because they were just not authentic oriented. Time and time again the message was imposed upon me of, ‘you have to play the game, go along with it as this is how it’s done and if you don’t you’re going to lose out’. A LOT of insecurity came with this package I chose remaining true to my sleeve worn conviction. That was compounded on the pre-existing insecurity from a loveless childhood. I stuck out like a sore thumb. My conviction has served me well, however, and made me the woman I’m content with today.

Women were designed to be the nurturers of the Earth. The care givers, supporters, mothers… the Goddess’s of love, energy, emotion, intuition and intelligence. They were designed this way for a purpose. We as women can support and uphold each other in so many ways that men don’t. They weren’t supposed to and never will. It was never his place or role. When women come together in unity, love and devotion the possibilities are endless. It’s a powerful force unlike no other. We were given the depth of heart, spirit, soul and emotions of which multiplying magnificence emerges. When support goes forth and another is touched, emotions flow, negativity breaks off, love expands, freedom is experienced and things transform. Life CHANGES. That is POWERFUL.

Into the woods I go…. flash LIGHT…

I’m going here because it needs to be gone to. Oh how women want, need and love to have a man in their life. We all do, don’t we? Companionship, love, sharing, learning and growing through life. All from the right space of wholeness and self contentment that’s given rather than depended upon. It wasn’t meant to take the place of Sisterhood nor was Sisterhood meant to be the stand by until Mr. Right shows up.

Most of my adult life I’ve witnessed women making every concession for a man. No matter where they are, what they’re doing or who they’re with, they’ll drop everything for ‘him’. Didn’t matter what the plans were from special occasions to the most sacred, the phone rings or text comes, everything else comes in second. With respect, holding your committed partner or husband as a priority is appropriate. I’m referring to the extreme of being controlled by anxious, desperate, unhealthy need for a man’s attention as an addiction that’s blinded to the priority space meant for sisters. The go-to girls, the tribe that have your back, that support you, encourage you and willing to, as a phrase I pinched, “hide the dead bodies” for you. The Sisters that stood for you when the man/men hurt you, abandoned you, cheated on you, divorced you.

Single women plan “girls’ night out” and then most of the conversation is about men. How to get one, keep one or coupled one’s complain about the one they’re with. It’s the be all end all subject. There are some nights that just turned into ‘diva’s on the prowl’. Many years back I had plans to go out with a girlfriend on a Friday night. I’m straight up confessing this is an ugly story and one that forever changed who I allowed into my space. I was looking forward to girl time, getting out, sharing and talking. We arrive at the restaurant and are seated. Almost immediately, she excused herself to go to the ladies’ room. I was left sitting there for a Very. Long. Time. I turned around looking to see where she was, and low and behold there she was, hanging at the bar with a guy. Not an ounce of consideration how long she was gone and that I was sitting at our table. She became totally engulfed and didn’t exhibit any body language having to get back to her friend. Well, I stood up, walked over and leaned in between them and said, ‘I’m done with this night, lets go’. I barely spoke the entire ride home, dropped her off and needless to say never went out with her again. At that time, I couldn’t see the humor in it.

Taking it a level lower is when a man is treating a woman badly on a regular basis. Said woman will make every excuse under the sun for his disrespect, dishonor, understanding all of his wounds that cause him to behave the way he does. Spend countless hours and energy analyzing him, talking to friends trying to crack the code and even seeking therapy. They’ll hang on until the absolute bitter end having endured the most horrendous behavior and experiences. But a girlfriend, of Sisterhood whom will always understand, listen, care, support, remain loyal and so on makes a mistake or two and they’re out like yesterday’s news. She’s labelled a bitch, criticized and judged. Then they’ll run to another girlfriend and trash her to the hilt all the while putting up with relentless abuse from a man. I’ve really been at a loss for words on this one.

It might be how it’s been considered , “that’s life” but surely never how it was supposed to be. Women need each other and significantly so. The world needs united feminine energy. Women are the healers and when they abandon each other, they stifle this energy that facilitates the bonding, emotional intimacy and the examples of relationships to younger ones growing up. The healing and aligning of heart and soul must be taken serious for the next generation to have hope and thrive. The world needs the deep love, joy and fulfilled loving presence of Women. Of Goddess.

That took courage to write out.

In case the thought “it’s hard” pops up, why do you think it is so hard to love yourself? Sincerely take a moment to honestly ask yourself this if it’s something you’re not confident in. What are some thoughts that come up here, what is the discomfort you feel?

After enduring quite the treacherous 20’s, I chose to step into the dark icky parts of me and let honest words, love and understanding reveal why navigating life was less than desirable for me. Women at 30 were happily engaged/married, careered, mothering and I was heading into the eye of the storm unhappily married, facing divorce and youth baggage. I was an only child to a mother that regularly conveyed the message she didn’t plan me, didn’t want me and was an interruption to her life. I had a huge sensitive heart but invested years undoing the lies, as a result, that there wasn’t room for me here. That’s a miniscule piece to my story which is going to be shared more and more. I never wore a mask to who I really was though. I’ve always been honest, forthright and open about my feelings and experiences but I had a huge vulnerability to be accepted and liked by others. And people jumped all over it taking advantage with usery, manipulation, two-faced behavior… it was glaring to the wounded (took one to know one) and they typically did what the wounded do. You can’t expect others to make up for or compensate for what you never had. It’s a bottomless insatiable trap that excavates deeper emotional deficit and hurt. People will reject you and slight you until you see that negative energy as an opportunity to tap into the amazing love and abundance that’s always been inside YOU. I worked and worked until I gained esteem, confidence and my own bad assery. This doesn’t mean people stop choosing to do crappy things but the affect it has on you is minimal compared to situations past if any at all. It becomes easier and easier to shake things off knowing what it took for you to get here.

So, does anything show up for you?

Kindly…. society is not to blame. Men are not to blame for being ‘over sexed’ – that power and boundaries were given to you at your discretion. The media is not to blame. Fashion magazines are not to blame. Gorgeous skinny models are not to blame. Weight management companies are not to blame. Anti-aging/beauty/plastic surgery industries aren’t to blame. The fitness industry isn’t to blame. Technology isn’t to blame. Social media is not to blame. Snapchat, filters and photoshop is not to blame. Politicians are not to blame nor is the educational system. The list can go on and on. It’s a never ending victimized laundry list of scape goats demanding all of the outside entities to step up and rescue each female from insecurity. It’s not their responsibility. (oops) These aforementioned business ‘practices’ exists because of insecurity not because they’re guilty of creating it. It’s prey for profit. Sadly, this isn’t going to change. Sex will always sell. Outer beauty will always be capitalized on but that should have nothing to do with how YOU value and love yourself and how YOU show up with your custom made expression in this world. Empowered women can put a large dent in this conditioned game.

Blame never has nor will solve or produce a solution for anything. It may offer temporary relief to the wound and identify the perpetrator preventing a repeat but it doesn’t clear the root cause permanently. With every motion of blame, more personal power goes out the window.

So, what if women in big numbers really began to not give their power to the outer world and cultural manipulation and started rising up in who THEY ARE claiming the ground they were created to have? What if women took a stand for their individual self, took responsibility and rose strong regardless of push back and descending opinion? These markets would lose more and more leverage and maybe eventually have to do business to accommodate and represent the strength of women instead of capitalize on the insecurity and weakness of them.

Relationship, business, family and social strength can grow just by grabbing a couple close bff’s and heart-storm. As in, getting together, sitting down and being real with each other. Form a safe non-threatening environment free of judgement opening up to talk to each other about fears, limitations and insecurities. Develop creative ways to comfort, encourage, and heal. Women shouldn’t have to join together just to pick up the broken pieces, support domestic violence causes or initiatives that cover a trauma scope. We can be uplifting and helping strengthen each other so regularly that it would never reach the point of being emotionally or physically abused. Then that fortitude, emotional health and confidence can be passed down to the younger ones so that they’ll never fall victim. Don’t get me wrong, girl’s night out is fun with dancing gettin’ a little diva groove, I dig it and am all down with that, but imagine a long term purpose beyond and deeper. Returning to a place of heart and meaning that saves, heals, prevents and produces.

All insecurity is, is just healthy desire under fire wanting to be seen, known and heard. But it won’t come from outside. The world won’t appreciate what you don’t within yourself. The world won’t see you until you’ve seen yourself. The world won’t hear you until you believe your own magnificent voice.

The world needs the Goddess. Not religious Goddess. Not business slick Goddess. Not intellectual Goddess. Not image based, form fitted, designer, worked on, nipped/tucked or name dropped, so and so associated Goddess… BUT Raw, Imperfect, Self- Respected, Self- Loved, Authentic, Healing, Whole, Life Lived, Honest, Heart full, made- it- though- a- load- of- hell committed to Honoring the Divine Feminine…. GODDESS.

Women are Beautiful. Women are Powerful. Women are Love. Women are Purpose. Women are Divine….

To every Woman – OWN every morsel of who you are and what that means. You are ALL THAT.

~always with much love and honor from one sister to another ~ ♥