A pretty catchy title I found fitting. It’s an analogy of which you’ll find.
The past year and a half in particular I’ve been tossing all of this around in my heart and mind as per personal experiences and also what I’ve observed with others. This sort of behavior is nothing new really, we’ve all experienced this throughout life but I started to really dig in to this and ask a lot of questions. Asked until I resolved to this conclusion, if you will.
We’re familiar with the reference, “toxic people” and how everyone needs to eliminate them from their life. While it’s true you need to have healthy boundaries in life and relationships, I’m sharing from a different angle. It’s about you, your quality of life and letting go. Of needing to define, analyze or understand these people after their gone.
It’s understood and validated that consistent inappropriate behavior is unacceptable. Making the other person toxic somehow makes you feel more empowered and ‘unwrong’ but it’s actually doing the opposite. It’s giving them the credit and blame for taking what only you could give. At that time. Yes, some people are unfit to participate in society and need to be incarcerated or massive amounts of therapy, I’m talking interpersonal relationships in this moment.
It’s perplexing to witness how one person can be volatile and toxic to another and then afterwards seem completely tolerable and acceptable to another. That one relationship can be so unbelievably dysfunctional but put that same person with another and it blends like peanut butter and jelly. Like a big fat bowl of home made gravy and rigatoni. You can’t help but ask – “is it me, was I the crazy one”? Then proceed to analyze the new friend/employee/partner coming up with every low reason why they put up with this toxic person because you’re not insane. You haven’t lost your mind after the behavior you endured with this individual. You have all of the facts, the mental replay, text messages and journaling to prove it.
This is about your peace and quality of life going forward. It’s about releasing all of it and returning the focus to you instead of what they’re doing, why, when and how another can deal with it.
Many conversations are often centered around discussing what the other person did. How they could do it, what drove them to it and how they sleep at night. And how the heck do the other people they interact with stand it? Sometimes you do need validation within reason from another just to give you semblance of peace. That you were hurt or are hurting and you’re not too much or are enough and that you can release this person without guilt. That you can be at peace that your pain is valid and don’t need to second guess yourself for the 100th time. You so much want another person on your side because then it will mean you’re ok. It will mean that the toxic person was the problem, not you. Because everyone wants to feel ok. They want to feel that they don’t have to pull it all together in five minutes because otherwise you’re weak and incapable. But making them bad, doesn’t mean you’re good. You’re good. Already.
It’s ok to experience. It’s ok to feel. It’s ok to process and it’s ok to be YOU.
Your experience, standards and boundaries that found this person to be unfit for your life doesn’t mean that person is forever toxic. It just means you and them don’t flow… together. When you deem another no good, worthless or should be banned from society all together you’re investing a part of yourself into their new space. You’re remaining attached to something that you chose to detach from. As long as you put the emphasis on THEM and what THEY did, you keep yourself in a wounded, bound and stagnant state.
I believe and have found tremendous peace in this next statement. It all boils down to energy. Personal mindsets, how much baggage one has versus another, emotional triggers/buttons, personality and disposition. They don’t always align or gel. Something in you may bug the crap out of another and vice versa and it may not be physically detectable or identifiable. Energies simply don’t jive sometimes. When you can lighten the load of needing a concrete answer and accept these differences as is concentrating forward, you’ll achieve a heck of a lot of personal contentment.
I liken it to what someone deems as ‘trash’ to be sold at a garage sale or put on the side of the road but to another person finds it to be their perfect treasure. They see beauty in that item, it’s value and the purpose it will serve. Right or wrong doesn’t have to apply, it can be accepted that they didn’t work for you anymore and it just is and is now past. Their presence in another’s life, personal, professional or social is not a negative reflection or meaning upon you in any way, shape or form. (surely not suggesting humans are trash)
Any relationship not working hurts, separating isn’t easy. Going in different directions after being connected is no easy feat. It can be the end of a chapter without condemning the entire book and a story doesn’t have to be told over and over again. What held you down might seem to make another person fly. Embrace your heights and celebrate your standards that others respect and never make you cry.
Their existence doesn’t have to be worthless in order for yours to have value…
They don’t have to be demonized to hell for you to experience heaven on earth…
You don’t have to believe another is weak for you to feel strong. You don’t have to believe the other is off for you to feel on. It’s with regard and respect to you, your mental and emotional clarity, personal power, peace, joy and quality of life going forward.
And you’re more than ok. You’re a magnificent Treasure.
~ much love ❤